By Athena Staik
Hoovering is a behavior pattern associated with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and its more extreme manifestation on the spectrum, antisocial personality disorder (APD) or psychopathology.
Narcissists** are known to make contact with one or more past partners, or perhaps all, after a period of separation or when they perceive them as getting on with their life.
What sets hoovering apart from the otherwise “normal” behavior of contacting an old friend are the ruthless intentions.
There are at least 7 narcissistic reasons a narcissist engages in hoovering.
1. A narcissist returns because, in their mind, once a possession always a possession.
To a narcissist, a partner is mere prey, an object serving their pleasure. From a deranged view of human relations, it’s inconceivable to lose control of a past partner. He’s back to prove who’s “superior” and who’s “inferior” by re-establishing possession. He returns to display he has control, for example, the power to destabilize another’s life, to con and love-bomb them into believing merely to let them down again, to exploit and use them like a punching bag, and so on. So once conquered or owned, in the mind of a narcissist, a possession is always a possession. Leaving is never an option. Objects don’t leave; they serve the whims of their owners. In the case of malignant narcissists (APDs), this explains why leaving or telling them to leave is when they are the most dangerous.
2. A narcissist is an addict, and thus always preoccupied with their next fix.
A narcissist hoovers in attempt to reengage a tried and true drug-source, keeping it open by opening a past partner’s old wounds to “re-enable” the supply. To him, a previous partner is nothing more than a place to get a “fix,” where they return when running low, or in times of scarcity — or just to make sure they’re still there. A narcissist returns to prove he still has the power to re-engage you as a source of narcissistic abuse (pleasure). Now you may say, why would someone do that? Don’t they have a life? Based on a sick worldview, using others to get their fix is what life-pleasure is all about.
3. A narcissist’s drug of choice is based on violating the rights of others.
Narcissists are chronic abusers. At minimum, emotional and psychological. Like addicts, they intentionally inflict pain to derive their fix. They intentionally deprive or violate another’s rights, and so on. To them, superiority and strength are proven on the basis of how heartlessly one can capture, deceive and subvert the focus and mind of an old partner, for example, to raise their hopes only to dash them, to throw them off course, to prove who’s still got the top dog status by re-attacking a past partner’s sense of self, value, and instill them with shame, doubt, fear, confusion, not to mention rejection, abandonment, worthlessness, and the like.
4. A narcissist returns to prove his superiority and rightful “entitlements,” once again by coning and abusing with impunity.
The identity of a narcissist is married to acts of violating others. depends on displaying their “false-self” power to subjugate and con others. It doesn’t matter how many lies or how big the lies are that they tell. It’s all about a con game and the art of erecting illusions, and their false self image of themselves with godlike powers to use and abuse others with impunity. All cult leaders by the way, religious and secular, are malignant narcissists, meeting the criteria for narcissism on the extreme spectrum of narcissism, which is antisocial personality disorder (APD) also known as psychopathology.impunity. To a narcissist, a partner is a sex object serving his pleasure, and he is entitled to treat her as he wishes and expects to be treated as infallible and entitled.
5. A narcissist seeks to make others feel all the emotions they feel, some of which they deny and refuse to feel.
A narcissist loves to hate and be hated. They feel bitter, mistrustful of others. A narcissist is proudly ruthless, a fierce competitor in a couple relationship; he fears the woman in his life, believing she’s a fierce competitor out to emasculate him. Disconnected from his true-self, human kindness and compassion, a narcissist instead loves to hate and be hated. They are in misery, as a result, feeling bitter, mistrustful, on guard. He works to make his partner hate and fear him. He doesn’t see the woman in his life as fully human, and doesn’t believe in human ideals. He’s out to prove his partner is as much a con-artist as he is, that “kindness” was just an act, and that deep down she’s as ruthless and miserable as he is.
6. A narcissist returns for the sheer pleasure he derives in making a woman feel bad, dashing her hopes again, and so on.
A narcissist is hooked on deriving pleasure from hurting others. This dehumanized state of existence condemns a narcissist to live a life of misery and self-loathing; and misery loves company, which explains why they work hard to make others feel miserable, afraid, disillusioned, confused, uncomfortable, powerless, etc. Making those they deem week feel uncomfortable, squirm to please, spin their wheels, etc., is the main drug they are hooked on — their best friend, like a bottle of whiskey is to an alcoholic. Their drug of choice numbs the pain and misery inside, and like addicts, they vehemently deny any responsibility for their misery. They are addicted to deriving pleasure from making others feel miserable. A sad bunch, they believe the lie that this proves their superiority. (This explains why truth is their biggest enemy, and they fear nothing more than truth and truth-tellers.)
7. To reinforce lies he wants you to believe about your self and him.
As an addict, a narcissist’s drug of choice is using, exploiting, terrorizing and conning those he deems weak to derive pleasure. In a sense, these are emotional mind and body states that a narcissist lives with around the clock. It’s why they are always on guard. Why everything they say or do cannot be taken at face value. It’s all designed to project a false-self image of superiority, and they desperately are on 24/7 attacking any truth with their lies and con games.
In conclusion, previous partners beware! A narcissist does not regard a past partner as a human being. Indeed, he feels scorn for human traits and ideals!
The belief system he holds drive his actions and the pathological patterns of behavior, the underlying thoughts and physiological feeling states. Identify and get to know the traps they set, the bait they throw, and avoid these like the plague.
What do you need to heal and set yourself free?
To get to a place where your main goal is to so love and respect and honor yourself and life, that your highest goals is to let the narcissist go, refuse to give them any space in your heart, mind and soul — except to thank the Universe for learning from the experience to better love and accept yourself and life!
This may mean working with a trained therapist, do whatever you need to learn and train yourself to take smart-actions to stop feeding the narcissism, and instead nourish and cultivate your authentic self and life.